falling for the first time

2011-12-21T23:52:00.003-10:00

One scene that always sums up how I feel about losing my dad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub21sp-zru0

Dead Dads Club.

It's probably really lame for anyone who doesn't know ... but for those who do, that one minute kills.

I still don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't. And - they're right - that never really changes.

This is why I hate holidays.

more books

2011-09-13T00:26:00.004-10:00

Read this:

The Help: I won't lie. I wanted to read this because of the movie preview. And because I'm a sucker for fast-read novels about the south. I'll probably see the movie if I'm ever looking for some time to kill, but I can't imagine that it'll be better than the book. The characters were great though. Very likable and emotional enough for me to go back and re-read parts of it afterward.

Dragon Champion: Another quick read I picked up and sped through. I kind of went back and forth about this book in the store before buying it. I was afraid that it wouldn't be fast-paced enough and the main character seemed too "good" for me, but it turned out OK. I have a thing against protagonists who are too "good" and they irritate me. I like my heroes broken, damaged and with a little bit of a mean streak. (Richard in the Sword of Truth series made all those long books almost unbearable for me) It's a nice series though and I'll probably read the others. Because of love dragons.

I know those comments on the books I'm reading have nothing to do with the books, but I hate when I accidentally read spoilers and this isn't a book blog so ... eh.

I read the last two books in a week (if you're looking for a fast read, those two are VERY fast reads) in between making my way through A Feast for Crows. Good times.

Recent notes on life

2011-08-14T19:12:00.003-10:00

Read these:

The Rapture of Canaan - A quick read about coming of age and questioning religion. Found that most of the time I wanted more - more dialogue, more back-story, more details.

Firefly Lane - The first chick lit book I've read in forever (and a day). Honestly, I mostly skimmed through it because I wanted to know what happened, but didn't really enjoy the characters or writing enough to actually spend time with it. Typical best friends going through life together plot - but I've read much better ones.

A Storm of Swords - The series continues to surprise me and I'm loving every chapter of it.

Ate here:

Kaiwa - Surprisingly delicious Japanese fare in Waikiki. Lunch is affordable, heard dinner is pricey. Great ambiance and decor, fresh fish, friendly staff.

Formaggio - Always a favorite. Wild mushroom pizza. Fennel fennel pizza. Caprese salad. Escargot. Free bruschetta! And a bottle of Jade Mountain cab.

Home - Homemade pork chops, shrimp scampi, Stovetop stuffing, fried pork lettuce wraps, salads with everything under the sun.

***

Write, write, write. Or try to anyway.

Yesterdays

2011-07-28T22:30:00.002-10:00

Sometimes things feel too much like how they used to.

Before I understood things. Before things fell apart.

Somethings it feels like things are okay, even if it's just for a minute or a memory.

I walked around Daiei - no, Don Quijote - and we talked about Hershey's cookies and cream bar. I said I liked it. And S was surprised. Then I thought about it and I was surprised too. I'm not big on sweets at all any more and haven't bought candy in longer than I can remember.

As we walked the aisles, I pondered. And remembered. That was the chocolate bar I would buy from the small plate lunch plate place next to my dad's business. They were stale and soft from the heat of the kitchens, but he would buy me cookies and cream chocolate bars to go with the egg salad sandwiches and Coke with crushed ice I'd order when we spend the weekends "working" together.

And hearing my mom talk on the phone late at night to a friend, gossiping and laughing from down the hall. It takes me back to nights that I'd wake up and hear her, see the glow from the living room light beneath my door and know that it was all OK. Or not OK. Or whatever she didn't want me to know because I was too young.

I'm not even sure if these things are comforting or not anymore. Sometimes I wish I could forget. Sometimes I wish I could live in them forever and things would just be better.

Books, books, books

2011-06-28T20:16:00.002-10:00

I think the best way to get back into blogging is to just write. Even if it's about nothing and even if it's not about anything I really care about saying. Like that stuff they say about smiling to fake being happy - I used to do that before I answered the phone when I worked in customer service and at the restaurant. I think it really did make me sound more cheerful.

I discovered Paperback Swap and got a nice haul of books from the Friends of the Library Book Sale last week so I've been doing a fair bit of reading. I used to be an avid reader but it has definitely been a challenge to even get through a few books a year since I graduated college. The bunch of three-day weekends that I've had this summer (paired with the idea of "summer reading") got me in the mood to dent the pile of "to be read" items on my list.

I'm not the type to gush about books or post a synopsis so I probably won't mention too much of it here.

I did breeze my way through a copy of Judy Bloom's "Here's to You, Rachel Robinson" that my sister picked up to stock her classroom library and enjoyed it every bit as much as the first (dozen) times I read it. Judy Bloom is one remarkable lady. I didn't enjoy the cover art on the book though because it totally ruined my image of Rachel.

George R.R. Martin's Fire and Ice series is also something I'm getting around to. I was inspired by the first episode of HBO's Game of Thrones. The books' storyline gets increasingly better, but the show is extremely lacking and I can imagine that everyone who loves the books hates the show - in the same way that I'll watch the Harry Potter movies, but are always insanely let down at the way they just scratch the surface of the magic. I imagine they'll ruin Hunger Games the same way.

2011-04-17T22:15:00.002-10:00

Tomorrow marks five years since my dad died.

Five fucking years.

I graduated college, got a dog, had five jobs, was in three serious relationships, went abroad and he wasn't there.

I don't know what to say about it anymore.

I still think that it was unfair. And there is nothing I hate more than unfairness.

I'm still feel angry and sad and resentful and guilty and so lost when I think that I have to keep making strides in my life without him.

I still haven't found a single thing that makes me feel better - not alcohol or positive male attention or any of my usual vices - except to bury my feelings so far inside of myself that I, regretfully, neglect his memory and ignore what's so painfully obviously missing every day.

I have things to say but I just want to stop.

Write

2011-03-01T23:45:00.002-10:00

Sean, my counselor, says that I should start writing again. Because I need something that I love in my life. Something for me.

The first time I met Sean I was 18 years old. I've known him for almost 10 years now and he's helped me through some of the worst times of my life. He is the reason I was able to graduate college. He is the first person I ever trusted to tell 99 percent of the truth to at all times. He helped me find my way back when I hit rock bottom and he didn't let me hit rock bottom when my dad died.

Sean is one of the very few people that I trust unconditionally and without question - minus one session years ago when he tired to get me to buy into meditation exercises. But just that one time, and never again.

So if he says that I need this, then maybe I do.

I know I miss it.

But the truth of putting things into words seems so much harder now. I used to write and it was freeing and joyful - even in the times it was painful at the same time. And then I got older. And I got hurt by it. And then things happened that were beyond words for me. Things that I buried and to say them now ...

I trust Sean. And he says to write. I'm starting with that and I'll see where it goes.

December

2010-12-29T22:05:00.002-10:00

December is supposed to mean a Douglas fir with pine needles falling all over the goddamn place. A Douglas fir with homemade ornaments and ornaments so old you can't find a single one in the stores. Crystal reindeer with one or two or three legs. Bubble lights. Green and red paper mache balls with two pieces of glitter still attache and hung by dental floss.

That is December. As it should be.

yup

2010-11-21T21:02:00.001-10:00

Sometimes I feel incredibly screwed up.

I like writing

2010-07-29T17:37:00.002-10:00

I always mean to write. I really do. And I miss it something awful at times.

However, I write. All. Day. Long. at my new job and it doesn't really leave me excited to spend more time in front of the computer typing. I think I may actually be developing a callous on my right hand from using the mouse so often in the crappy place I have it on my wooden desk (the edges are rough so it rubs against my skin a lot).

This is actually all I have in me to post right now. I figured getting back in the habit starts with a small entry and hopefully will lead to more blogging.

I hate holidays with any remnants of how the past used to be

2010-07-04T22:10:00.002-10:00

Fourth of July, to me, means delving into the dusty, dark crawl space under the house and rescuing the leftover sparklers and fountains from New Year's Eve from stagnation.

I just cannot come to terms with what was and can't be.

i like books

2010-06-28T10:30:00.003-10:00

2010 Friends of the Library Book Sale haul:

"Daughter of the Forest" by Juliet Marillier
"e" by Matt Beaumont
"Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs
"Queen of the Summer Stars" by Persia Woolley
"Reading Lolita in Tehran" by Axar Nafisi
"Shadow Puppets" by Orson Scott Card
"Xenocide" by Orson Scott Card
"Wyrms" by Orson Scott Card
"Dragonflight" by Anne McCaffrey
"Little Children" by Tom Perrotta
"Starship Troopers" by Robert A. Heinlein
"The Nanny Diaries" by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus
"Lucky" by Alice Sebold

I made four trips this year, including dealing with the crowds on Saturday and Sunday for 50% off specials and $0.50 books, respectively. I found that this year yielded relatively few finds. I would have liked to get more paperbacks, as my bookshelf is already sagging in some areas from the books I couldn't part with in the Great Book Purge of 2010.

I also picked up "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson at Costco with a couple of bottles of wine. I hope it's a good book, and not just hyped up and disappointing.

I already finished "Wyrms" and "Running with Scissors" over the course of this week. Maybe I'll actually get through this year's purchases before next year's sale (something that has never been accomplished in the many years I've been an avid supporter). I barely made it through half of my books from last year, although it did remind me of why I don't care for Asian American literature (it all seems the same, and like I'm just hanging out at my grandma's house).

2010-06-16T12:47:00.001-10:00

I feel very sad today.

I still will always hate this.

2010-06-09T23:13:00.002-10:00

Today is (was?) my dad's birthday.

I didn't talk about it at all the entire day--not even to my family. And I don't want to seem cold or as if I don't care or didn't remember. It just hurt less this way. Although something tells me that it may hurt more tomorrow.

i hate my job

2010-05-03T18:05:00.003-10:00

I am back from the (blogger) dead.

In a nutshell, my job consumed my life (again). A few friendly interventions, crying fits, and weeks of contemplation later, I finally realized that it would not be the worst thing in the world to quit. So I did. I'm currently working my way through my two weeks and they feel like the longest, most pointless thing I've ever done.

I do not have fond feelings about the the company in general and I'm just trying to suck it up right now so that they don't have anything bad that they can say about me.

Rawr.

2010-03-08T19:50:00.002-10:00

Since I began dating, I have gotten infinitely better at relationships, but I still break up like I'm 16.

2010-01-15T23:21:00.000-10:00

Sometimes the things you are afraid of and attempt to avoid are as bad as you think they are. I talked about my dad to someone new for the first time in over a year, and it's still hard.

I hate this
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jump start

2009-11-14T17:41:00.002-10:00

I have decided that purchasing a new laptop (one of those really pretty ones that Dell makes for the marketing group that is girls like me) will inspire me to write more.

I've been so pooped from working 10+ hours days every day for the past few months that the last thing I want to do after I get up from my computer at work is sit down in front of a computer at home. However, I think it would be good for me to start writing again.

In the six weeks since I've gone back to therapy, I've realized that I don't feel like "me" anymore--whatever that means--and I haven't for a long time. I think writing will help me find that again. I hope writing will help me find that again. And I only hope one way: desperately. So I think that this would be a good jump start back in.

I'm not sure if I'll be writing here or picking up my old Xanga account or going really old school back to Diaryland. Who knows.

Don't hold me to this though--10+ hour days and all.

2009-10-09T16:24:00.002-10:00

I'm going back to therapy tomorrow. My last session was three years ago. After my dad died, I thought it would be good for me. And it was, for a little while. It's always good for me for a little while. It has been three years. I'm petrified.

I haven't told anyone yet. That's why I'm just writing it here instead.

book sale

2009-06-28T18:48:00.003-10:00

It's SO hard for me to motivate myself to work during the week of the Friends of the Library Book Sale! Argh. I have a box full of books sitting in The Boyfriend's room at the foot of the bed (something I think he doesn't appreciate because he hates clutter, but there's nowhere else to put them currently) that I'm dying to start thumbing through.

I love the book sale! I love dollar books that I may or may not even end up reading, but, hell, they were a dollar. I love rummaging through aisles books in the hot, stale air of the the McKinley cafeteria. Okay, not love the last one. But I deal with it because I love books. The Boyfriend constantly preaches about his Kindle and it's convenience, but I don't think I'll ever love something as much as a paperback to tote around in my bag or stacks of books on my nightstand to pick through before bed.

This year's book sale seemed to yield slim pickings initially. I'm quite certain that it was much, much smaller than previous years. The sci-fi/fantasy section was practically non-existent. There were also a large amount of hardcover books and seemingly small amoung of paperbacks in comparison. I'm not a big fan of hardcovers because they're harder for me to maneuver when I'm trying to read in bed. Mostly I don't prefer them because I often drop them on myself when lying down and reading, and those things are, by nature, hard. I typically only purchase a hardcover book when it's something I've been dying to read--in recent memory, only the Harry Potter series has motivated me enough to do so. I got two long days of browsing in though and was rewarded with 18 books, but I didn't feel they were as easy to come by as previous years. I've picked up 20 or more books on a single jaunt before, and the variety of those were much more varied.

It did strike me as odd that most of my choices ended up being books by Asian American authors. I typically shy away from them, especially women authors. I chalk that up to a combination of two things. First I experienced utter disappointment when I was in an "Amy Tan" phase a handful of years ago and ended up thinking "I just read this exact same book" each time I finished one of her works. The other was that around this same time, I was still in school and, as an English major, I was reading a number of Asian American authors, which further convinced me that the books meshed together too much in my mind without memorable twists in the plots. They were good books, but too much at once.

I'm enjoying this latest haul though.

(I also realize that this is the first reference to "The Boyfriend" in almost a year. To clarify, this is a new beau that I've been seeing officially for about four months, unofficially for almost six. People who know me IRL or follow on Twitter should have no confusion, but just thought I would add a note to clarify)

I actually wrote this last week, but I'm not sure why I didn't finish one last sentence and post it. Oh, well. Happy Fourth of July!

family

2009-06-21T15:52:00.002-10:00

I thought I was getting through today alright, but in the last hour or so I've realized that I am incredibly sad. And I know that it's expected and understandable so I figured that I would just go with it for a little bit. It's not one of those out of control, lock myself in my room and cry kind of deals--and I'm trying to deal with my emotions better.

I just miss him. And I realize that I really miss being a family. Because ever since late 2005 when my dad started getting sick, my immediate family life and my extended family life just went to hell. It really bothers me not to have it.

Me and my sister bought an orchid from The Engineer's family for one of my uncles as a Father's Day gift. I drove out to the nursery to pick it up and wasn't really sure if it would be awkward since I haven't seen any of his family members since we broke up last September. I was just going to sneak in, pay for the plant and leave, but his parents came out to greet me when I got there. And they were genuinely happy to see me, and I was happy to talk and catch up with them. I used to love spending holidays and birthdays and weekends with that family. It was the kind of home life I never really had growing up, and is completely out of my reach.

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore.

birthdays

2009-06-11T22:06:00.003-10:00

Tuesday was my dad's birthday. We're in the middle of that weird stretch that always kind of gets to me. His birthday, Father's Day, my birthday. Not always in this order, but usually within a week or two of each other.

I didn't bring it up on the day of. I didn't freak out. I didn't let it consume me. I don't think I'll let the next two events do so either. It made me sad. It made me miss him so much more. But I dealt with it. I cried in the shower Monday night, but that was the worst of it.

And part of me was proud to have been able to handle something that in past years has been a blur of alcohol and bad decisions and blinding pain. But other parts of me chanted something I wrote early on, "Moving forward feels like leaving you behind."

Testing email blogging

2009-06-10T12:38:00.001-10:00

So I know that the blogging by text message was a huge fiasco but I have high hopes for the email version for mobile blogging.

My new job gives me an hour lunch but having no one to eat with really drags that out. It's not that I mind eating alone as much as I eat way too fast and have nothing to do. I'm here for 9 hours a day and they include an hour lunch so I may as well sit around like I've been doing.

Just remembered that I set this up so if it posts successfully, then expect many more lunchtime posts.
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not unemployed. for real,

2009-06-02T18:08:00.002-10:00

SO, I got the job :)

Started today. Have a lot to learn. I think it's going to be a lot of work, but a lot of fun. Get to do writing on top of the general office work too.

Had to quit The Restaurant without notice last night though. No time because they wanted me to start right away and the hours clash. Would have liked to help train a replacement, but whatever. New manager is gonna run it into the ground service-wise anyway.

doh!

2009-06-01T11:51:00.003-10:00

I had my first job interview of 2009 job hunting this morning.

Potential Job #1 was something that I initially just emailed my resume to because the unemployment office requires me to apply to three places a week to receive benefits. I had thought it was a position that I wouldn't terribly mind doing, but didn't really want to take because it wasn't something I really wanted to do. I am determined that my next job with be permanent, something that I can have a career in, and something I enjoy (pretty much anywhere I can write). Of course, out of the jobs that I applied to in the past couple of week, the one I wasn't crazy about was the company who called me to interview.

I was hesitant about it last night because I do not want to just take the first job offered to me, that is how I got into the mess with The Other Place and I was miserable. However, if they offered me a job and I didn't accept, I could get my unemployment benefits cut. Plus this appeared to be a customer service desk and phone job, which isn't the ideal place I wanted to start. So since I was working on a big freelance project anyway, I decided that I would do my best but not do my usual interview prep of researching the company and doing practice interview questions in writing.

Not a good idea. Potential Job #1 was not advertised in the way it was discussed in the interview. They selected me because of my background in writing and would probably let me do a good deal of it since they're in the process of expanding. I didn't know that the section of the company hiring is actually a newly independent division of the big company I knew about initally. It actually sounds pretty interesting, although very intense, and the perks are great. Eh. I've already come to terms that I may not be offered the position, but the interviewer seemed to like me well enough, which is about the best I could have done without proper preparation.

Lesson learned.

And the job hunt continues.

only half as smart as i was this morning

2009-05-21T16:04:00.002-10:00

Just got home from pulling two wisdom teeth (right side) so I'm messing around on the computer until the Novocaine wears off.

Some thoughts about the process:

1. That huge needle they use to inject you with Novocaine is just as scary when you're 24 as when you're 10.
2. I have big ass teeth. Not just big teeth. Big ass teeth.
3. And a small ass jaw. Not just a small jaw. A small ass jaw, which made it exceedingly difficult for my dentist to get in there with all her scary dentist gadgets and yank those suckers out. She estimated an hour, but I was in the chair getting multiple Novocaine injections for an hour and forty-five minutes.
4. It's still cool to keep your teeth. I did. And posted pictures on Facebook. And Twitter.
5. I always did enjoy poking my numb face and moving my numb tongue around in my mouth;
6. The go-to food of request for me is still Campbell's chicken and stars soup. It's chicken noodle soup with tiny star-shaped noodles that are easy to swallow whole.
7. I am still traumatized from childhood teeth pulling during my pre-braces years. It was freaking scary, but I'm glad that my dentist didn't have to crack any of my teeth during extraction. That sound just freaks me the fuck out.
8. At one point, I didn't close my lips over the spit sucker thingy propery and got blood and drool all over the place. That is why they make you wear those plastic-lined bibs.

I anticipated a quick recovery even if we had planned on pulling all four wisdoms today (no guts, no glory!), but I wonder if it'll be more painful since she was in there for two hours rummaging around to get the teeth loose? We held off on the other extractions since the right side was taking so long and my bottom left molar isn't fully out yet so my dentist didn't want to have to do any slicing and dicing to get at it.

UH graduation

2009-05-18T08:53:00.002-10:00

Went to UH graduation on Saturday to watch my sister participate in commencement exercise. It was long, crowded, and hot as heck--the standard to expect. Ran into a bunch of people graduating and visiting graduates, which was nice. I think I finally found the perfect leis to make for graduation: chip leis. I went to Costco and picked up a couple of boxes of those mini-bags, then attached ribbon to the corners and strung them together. The cost came out to less than $4 per lei and, after I got the hang of ribbon tying, each lei took only about 15-20 minutes to make. This was way cheaper than buying flower leis (where I spend over $6/lei because I can't stand to give tacky-looking leis), and way faster than the last time I attempted to make leis (ribbon leis took forever, and the li hing mui strawberry belt leis were a big mess on top of being an arduous process). Chip leis were also something different, although I don't think I'm the first to think of the idea or anything. All in all, a really good deal if you need to get more than a couple of leis made. I used six bags of chips, and that made for some pretty big leis; I'm sure five would suffice.

Of course, I made my sister's lei with more expensive sun chip rather than the cheap stuff I used for most of the other leis. Upon showing it to her in the morning and explaining how she got the better quality stuff, she told me, "I like Doritos." Bleh. In fact, she pretty much prefers all the chips that came in the cheaper box of stuff I picked up. I told her she could have the remainder of it for a graduation present of sorts.

Got a little sunburnt from walking around on the field looking for graduates because I'm so pastey white (I like being pastey white, for the record). Nose got burnt, have a nice square-shaped tan line on my chest from my shirt, and I just noticed that my calves feel a little tingley when I scratch them. Boo, sun!

just do it

2009-05-14T16:37:00.003-10:00

I've been telling myself to write something--anything, really--to get back in the habit of blogging. Today I was unexpectedly called off from The Restaurant so I thought the newly-found time would be put to good use by writing something.

Reasons why I think I haven't been in the mood to blog:
1. Twitter feels so much like mini-blogging and I tweet multiple times a day about most of the things I would normally blog about.
2. Freelance writing has take up a lot of my time lately and while blogging is usually one of the many ways I procrastinate, my fingers just haven't been into replacing writing with more writing.
3. I haven't been home as much or had ample free downtime since I started seeing someone new.

But here's to making a renewed effort to write! I'm (sort of) unemployed again--although I feel about twice as busy as when I was still at the Capitol--and really want to get back into blogging.

I am a little freaked out about the current job market right now, but I'm hopeful and optimistic. In the mean time, I'm doing all sorts of freelance work to put on my resume and make some side cash.

This is a lame post. Eh.

everything in moderation

2009-04-27T21:16:00.002-10:00

Less than two weeks until the end of the 2009 Legislative Session. Boo!

I consider myself a moderate liberal, and have for a number of years now. I like to pick and choose about the rationale behind the issues, although there are certain issues that I absolutely would never be able to compromise an inch about. You really can't be too extreme on either side though. If you're an extreme conservative, (to me) you come off as an ignorant bigot most of the time. And if you're an extreme liberal, then you come off as downright insane. The extreme liberals were a lot of the reason I shied away from the other students in the English program at UH. Crazy hippies. Hah.

work

2009-04-25T10:47:00.002-10:00

Just a quick post because nothing makes me want to write a blog more than putting off massive amounts of text I need to produce for some legitimate cause.

The legislative session is over in about two (!!!!) weeks and I'll be (sort of) unemployed again. I really want to quit The Restaurant. I know I say that all the time. And sometimes I even do (and then go back) or bring in letters of resignation (and get talked out of handing them in). I'm starting to feel like my relationship with The Restaurant is starting to mirror the way that I used to deal with boyfriends: I only stay because it's comfortable and I'm scared of what else is out there, but I'm so bitter and frustrated with the whole ordeal so I'm just dragging out the inevitable. I think it's really up in the air right now. If I can get enough unemployment benefits, I may just quit The Restaurant to focus on finding a permanent job (that won't be with a company that doesn't know what it's doing and make me miserable and crazy). Any extra income I earn from them will just be taken out of whatever I qualify for anyway. The only thing that I kind of want to stick around for is the possibility of getting insurance from them. I'm covered by the state until the end of May, but not having insurance makes me really nervous. I know The Restaurant actually has a pretty good plan, but that would mean upping my hours a lot. I would also feel a bit guilty leaving them right before the summer rush, but after the huge falling out I had with our new GM (yeah, that would be 4 sets of managers we've had in the last year), I don't really care.

Eh. Decisions, decisions.

2009-04-19T15:16:00.001-10:00

Spent yesterday in my room.

Today I realised that visiting him makes me feel worse instead of better.

I know that there is something very wrong with that.

three

2009-04-18T13:59:00.002-10:00

Today, three years ago, my dad passed away.

I thought I wanted to write about it. I did write about it. But it all sounded like everything I've said about it before. Because he's gone and nothing can change that, nothing can alleviate the utter permanency of the situation. I should have come to terms with that by now. I should know that there is nothing more for me to say about it, nothing anyone can say or do for me, and nothing that could ever make me stop wishing that things were different.

I miss him so much that I still can't deal with it on a day-to-day basis except to drink my coffee black and my martinis with Tanquray like he did.

This is all I have to say about it this year.

2009-04-17T09:57:00.011-10:00

at I can go back to all the people who laughed at twitter when I insisted it was going to be huge and say "I told you so."

C. Mentioned to me today via

2009-04-17T09:57:00.009-10:00

DM on twitter that a lot of people we knew had recently jumped on the twitter bandwagon. That's what sparked this.

FYI.

2009-04-17T09:57:00.007-10:00

o colleges and you needed your school email to join. Likewise now that twitter is all over the place, it's not as fun. Of course, I do very much enjoy th

2009-04-17T09:57:00.005-10:00

, the new mainstreamness of it all is a real turn-off. I like myspace befor everyone I knew it was on it. I like facebook much more when it was limited t

2009-04-17T09:57:00.003-10:00

short posts via my BlackBerry)

I've been pretty Twitter-crazy as of late but, as with most of the other social networking sites I've loved and abandoned

2009-04-17T09:57:00.001-10:00

Just signed up for this mobile blogging thing that blogger puts out in an attempt to get back into the habit of writing (even if that means pathetically

I am not dead.

2009-03-24T11:20:00.001-10:00

Well, my Twitter followers know that anyway.

I have been crazy busy with the Captiol thing, The Restaurant thing, and the freelance thing though. Also my laptop finally died as a result of me not getting the virus that my mom somehow installed on my computer in time. I guess it's both our faults, but, seriously, I don't know if I've ever gotten a virus--ever--before so I feel like it's more her fault.

I have to tinker around with it a bit more, and ask for some input from tech-y friends, to make sure it's really unusable, but it doesn't look good. So I probably won't' blog much until I can get myself a replacement.

Thank goodness for internet on the BlackBerry.

So just a short note to let everyone know that I'm working on getting back into blogging. Wish me luck!

busy busy busy

2009-01-31T10:12:00.002-10:00

this is my fri-sat-sun schedule.
9-430 friday at capitol
530-730 (when i left since it was slow) at restaurant
830-1045 finishing copy work
1145-? out drinking at champions and bar 7
woke up late
need to clean car and get fishing permit at sports authority because
have catfishing permit to go to nuuanu reservoir from 12-4
dinner 630 with C. and K.
karaoke at 11.
sunday will squeeze in copy work for a diff person
visit aunty who was admitted to hospital earlier in th week
(crap KNOW there's something else too)
go to capitol and check on wtf came in over the weekend for the 20 bills we're hearing 8am monday morning
work restaurant sunday night.

that was for anyone who wanted to keep track of me.
<3 busy

coffee

2009-01-26T23:45:00.002-10:00

I like coffee dates because you're forced to really talk to someone. I can talk to anyone after I've had a few martinis and have the time of my life. But if I can't talk to you for a few hours over a cup of coffee, then that's a deal breaker.

Another deal breaker:
Thinking that it's okay to share a toothbrush, ever.

because it happened again tonight

2009-01-21T23:13:00.004-10:00

Dear CPK,

I have a bone to pick with you. I enjoy the food at your establishment, and have been a committed and loyal patron for years now. I have overlooked the fact that your mixed drinks continuously suck (the bartenders always say they are bound to some BS corporate recipe), a big no-no for which I have banished other eateries from my mind without a second thought. I have come to terms with the reality that times are tough and your delicious Original Chopped Salad began as a heaping pile of deliciousness with cheese, salami, and turkey galore, but has dwindled into lettuce with sprinklings of the aforementioned items. I even held my tongue when a server made condescending, judgmental facial expressions and comments when we requested beer with our late lunch at 3PM once (if it wasn't okay, then ya just shouldn't be serving beer at all yet). However, I cannot deal with the fact that whenever I eat at a CPK, regardless of the location or time, I never get a cute server.

Now, I know that they exist. I freaking see them floating around the other sections of the restaurant. And I never get one. Ever.

One particular establishment, with one particularly elusive server, irks me more than the others. This, as most of my dining companions know, is the Ala Moana location. For over a year now, I have sipped many an iced tea and ogled a particular server discreetly through my peripheral vision, and not so discreetly from across the room. Every time I put my name in for one of those buzzers, I think, "Maybe today will be the day that I will actually be able to get close enough to him to read his name tag." Honestly, the sheer probability that I should get him at least once is in my favor. There have been times of plenty when I've frequented this place numerous times a week. Yet it never happens. Even when all the tables surrounding mine--tables that have been seated both before and after me--are his tables, I am somehow not in his section. Ridiculous!

I really do not understand this anomaly of sheer cruelty. Perhaps it is the fault of the hostess. I, not proudly, have diverted my share of pretty girls away from attractive servers in my own place of work. But, even with that variable in mind, by now I don't see how I can never be in his section.

Yes, I could request to be seated there. However, I feel as if the money I have invested in CPK through countless lunches and dinners has been enough to buy me back my dignity and my pride. So it would be very much appreciated if, upon the next time I venture out to assuage my craving for artichoke and spinach dip, that the server at least be sent to my table so that I can stare at him properly for 10 minutes or so. With a free dessert. Then we can call it even.

XOXO,
J.

opening day

2009-01-21T07:59:00.002-10:00

Excited for Opening Day!
Will blog later. My internet was being all weird and not connecting me for a while.
Yay!

dammit

2009-01-13T22:28:00.001-10:00

I have no impulse control.
I really don't.

ouch

2009-01-07T22:45:00.002-10:00

Somehow I hurt my knee. I have no idea how, but it has been getting progressively worse over the course of the day. A friend at The Restaurant told me that I probably just strained it and rest would be the best way to remedy the situation. I guess I have been go, go, go for the past few days so I may have been pushing a minor strain that would never have bothered me into an uncomfortable, painful thing. Grr. I hope it fixes itself soon though; I'm actually in a motivated-to-run mood, and now I can't.

I (still) LOVE my job.

i love my job

2009-01-06T07:43:00.002-10:00

I am SO happy with my current job (and the other two part time things) right now.
SO happy.

I smiled, caught up with people from last year, got acquainted with my office, and had some training. Today is more training (the cool kids are skipping ice breakers*, shhh!) and I gotta get out of the house soon, but I just wanted to blog a bit.

Even though yesterday was one of many 12-hour days to come, I was undaunted when I got to The Restaurant and noticeably more pleasant than usual.

I even scheduled in an early morning workout session today. Because I'm that happy and energized.

Okay, I'm off. Will make time to blog more later tonight.

* They cleverly tried to hide ice breakers under the title of "Not Just Coffee," but luckily it was spotted in time that there was no "Not Just Coffee" in our workbooks, and it was on two days. Sneaky! I hate ice breakers

(Argh. The dog is going nuts over the cats outside. I'm really not sure if she loves them or hates them ... they're not a new commodity anymore so I hope she gets over it soon.)

session job ftw

2009-01-04T23:24:00.001-10:00

Excited to go to the Capitol tomorrow! :D

How weird to feel happy about going to a job again. Haha.
Okay, need to sleep.

mobile blogging

2008-12-31T11:43:00.000-10:00

I'm blogging this from my phone in the parking lot of pearlridge since my boss is running late. Again. Or maybe I should say "as usual."

It's kind of irritating. I mean, I know that i'm not perfect with my punctuality and in the recent months I've actually been pissed off with myself for my inability to be on time (in my defense, a lot of it did have to do with the stupid Day Job), but she is never on time. Never. And I have things to do. And I know when she says she's running 20 minutes late, it's really more like a half hour. If I'm lucky.

Yeah, I know I bitch about it a lot. And this is my absolute last week though.

Did I write here about getting another session job? Not sure, but I did. And i'm going in to do training and whatever on Monday so that's that.

I should have told her uptown instead so I could be shopping.

Argh.

2008

2008-12-31T11:08:00.000-10:00

I steal this from Melissa every year. This time I haven't really been on Xanga, so I just stole some from my Blogspot entries and will post on both.

Year in Review: Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2007. Post the first line (or two) AND last line (or three) of it in your journal. Use posts that are Public, Protected, and even Private! And that's your year in review.

January:

Since I decided to start writing here, it made me think of my relationship with Ryan over the last week or so.

A bad thing about the new job is that I can't roll out of bed at the last minute, shower, and go to work looking like crap anymore. I think that also means no more spontaneous drinking and going into the office hung over either. Boo.

February:

1. LOVE the clothes. Although, at times, I miss wearing jeans and street clothes, I've been stoked to buy fancy, grown-up, business clothes to wear to work.

I think that's the best part of my new job -- just being able to understand that process of government and actually get down in the trenches to see what's going on.

March:

I hate the new Xanga.
I took my old page back.
And I refuse to use the new one.

If I think about it from my personal stance and if I had to choose between punching someone in the face or trying to shred their soul with a mean comment and make them cry like a little girl, then, at 5'3/4" and 105lbs, I think I might have to go with words. Personally, I think it would be more effective.

April:

(Apparently I didn't blog in April at all this year, but we all know how Aprils go anyway)

May:

It is really, really, REALLY hard to parallel park on the left side of a one-way street.

I remember purposely growing it out so that I could finally have my hair put up in fancy curls for prom, but I forgot how long it really was. Plus how heavy it was that night and how many stupid bobby pins it took to get all of it up there so, ultimately, not the best wish I've ever had granted.

June:

I believe in the power of girly intuition so:
Punch them in the nuts anyway.

P.S. Get Jason Mraz back too. He's good to look at and much funnier to watch than half the unknown comedians and C-List actors you have doing commentary now.

July:

I am going to write again. I need the practice, if nothing else.

I used to think that it was "them" (aka all men) and not "me," but I've realized that it was kind of me making bad choices about people I knew didn't want the same things I did. "Nice Guys," figure that shit out for yourselves too.

August:

I was just thinking about how I like my ice cream firm enough so that I have to chew it as it melts in my mouth. That led me to wonder if it would be possible to melt down a tub of ice cream and redeposit the liquid mess into ice cube trays so that I could have rock hard chunks of ice cream at my disposal.

Okay. Gotta go.

September:

Today The Boyfriend and I went to (GASP) the beach.

I keep second guessing myself even when I know I made a rational, adult decision that (he said) he agreed with. I don't know. That's all I want to say about it right now.

October:

I've been meaning to write. I want to write.

Now pick up the pieces, sort through the memories worth keeping, and move on. I'm 24 now; I can do this. I will.

November:

I don't think I'll have any time at all to do NaNoWriMo this year. Day Job = Crazy.

I also have a friend who has already told me that she will stop taking my phone calls if I get suckered back in because she's never seen me so miserable at a job and is glad I got out. I guess I should get going. BOO. I'm definitely not staying past 5pm either.

December:

The title's not really true. I've still got the part-time gig at The Restaurant.

Okay, off the shower and then to the mall ... and then to holiday dinner with C. and K. in the country (Wahiwa, not Kailua/Kaneohe--although, in my mind, everywhere that's "not town" just kind of falls into the general header of "the country.")

***

I guess I'm off to run errands:
1. Get checks signed from my boss. It's my last week with them, even if no one is acknowledging it! I'm just not going in anymore.
2. Pick up champagne from Costco for tonight ... and probably a hot dog with lots of onions for lunch
3. Finish cleaning room and car for the new year.
4. Get my ass down to stupid Other Place and hang out there for a little bit; maybe get something done.
5. Off to the restaurant. Maybe I'll wear a pretty dress tonight.

i love twitter

2008-12-23T12:42:00.004-10:00

NEED TO GO TO THE MALL ...

I'm afraid.

***

Most of my friends aren't on the Twitter bandwagon yet, and no one believes me that it is awesome and getting bigger every day. It's okay. I'll just enjoy the awesomeness with the select few cool kids I have as Tweet buddies now, and wait for them to come around--just like when it came to people I knew getting into Diaryland, Friendster, MySpace, and Facebook.

***

E. is home from California for the holidays and we had a pretty big shindig at The Varsity last night. I love beer! I booked a reservation for The High School Clique holiday dinner at Ichiriki because I crave shabu shabu weekly (have to watch guests at The Restaurant eat it every night) but I no longer have The (ex)Boyfriend to indulge with whenever I want. Everyone seems okay with it for the time being.

***

I guess I should start calling The (ex)Boyfriend something else. I think he might be "The Engineer" in previous entries (here or not? I'm not really sure; I have too many blogs all over the damn place). Let's go back to that. I'm sure that most of the people who know me in real life would have made the jump fairly easily, but this is just for further clarification.

***

I remember talking with C. once about how we always label the guys in our stories with psudonyms instead of their actual names. I think it is partly a "keep you an arm's length away from me emotionally by not using your name" thing. That and a "my sister can't seem to learn someone's name until they're my boyfriend and around constantly" thing. Well, I know in the blog I do it because I'm really paranoid about blogging and name usage and being "found" by too many people. I actually call them these psudonyms in my stories though, and then the name follows them here.

***

I got my hair cut yesterday by a new person and I really hate it. I knew I should have waited for the fobby Korean lady to be in. Patience is a virtue ... but, apparently, not one of mine ...

***

Okay, off the shower and then to the mall ... and then to holiday dinner with C. and K. in the country (Wahiwa, not Kailua/Kaneohe--although, in my mind, everywhere that's "not town" just kind of falls into the general header of "the country.")

why i hate the system

2008-12-22T09:58:00.004-10:00

Why I am salty at the traffic infraction system:

1. I don't think that I was being paced for 4 speed signs down the Pali before I got pulled over in the first place.
2. I'm still irritated that the officer told me that she pulled me over instead of the friend I was following because I was "swerving" because I am completely confidant that I wasn't, and that I would have passed a sobriety test with no problem.
2.5. If you're going to make a point of telling me that I was swerving and that was the reason for me being pulled over, shouldn't I have been given a sobriety test?
3. Unclear instructions and situations regarding me not having the valid insurance card with me despite being covered: Cop says just bring my insurance card with me to court; ticket says I need to get an affidavit and insurance card in court is not valid, but I have to go; affidavit says I could have mailed it in the prosecutor's office if they got it 7 days before court date; people in court were just bringing their stupid valid insurance cards.
4. They should really just let the people who know their charges are going to be dismissed (like me) go FIRST because
5. They go in stupid alphabetical order (I'm damn near the end),
6. Nobody has enough sense to pay attention to clear instructions given at the beginning of the session and,
7. Nobody has enough sense to realize that we're all here for basically the same two offenses of no insurance card or no license at the time of infraction so the judge has to explain the options in detail over and over again, even if they are the same ones he's been telling the first 30 people all morning.

Grr.

The last one is the same gripe I have with the DMV. If you're stuck in a line with 20 other people all going through the same process to get their license, how do you not have the instructions burned into your mind by the time you get to the window?! I understand if you're the first person in line, but when everyone has been there at least half an hour, there is no excuse to keep making the same mistake as two dozen other people. It makes me crazy at how inefficient people who don't pay attention to things make the system slow and painful to deal with.

Oh, and I think it's kind of unacceptable to shaka at the judge and joke around when they're trying to get through your infraction, even if you know him. Kind of.

Okay, let's hope the day goes up from here.

i hate purchases that don't come with bags

2008-12-21T17:07:00.003-10:00

Had an unproductive morning of shopping (bought one thing, which the girl at Valerie Joseph gift-wrapped for me and handed it to me without bagging it--I didn't know what to do so I just stuck it in my purse and was salty about being bagless the rest of the day). However, it was followed by a CPK lunch with C. and K. so the entire day wasn't a loss ... I guess.

CPK has a fairly good looking waiter who works there, but I've never gotten seated in his section. I think he's been there for a while, and I frequent CPK often enough where I think this should have happened by now. Granted, he looks like he's 20 or something, but I like cute waiters.

I'm just blogging because I'm trying to avoid exercising. I get threeeeeeeee full days and nights off before I have anywhere to go and exercise is just putting a damper on that for me.

i hate crazy malls

2008-12-20T10:37:00.003-10:00

Argh. Need to brave the madness of the mall as much as possible in the next few days. I am a terrible procrastinator, even about easy things like Christmas shopping. I'm finishing the last of my breakfast coffee and hoping that it will help me muster the strength I need for this endeavor.

I really want to get myself a haircut and a massage. I miss my old salon. I totally can't afford them anymore though. It's okay, I don't think I was ever trendy enough to get the haircuts my stylist gave me anyway.

I'm supposed to be planning the holiday get together for my High School Clique. I know "clique" kind of has negative connotation, but I don't know what else to call them. This is my central group of friends that I spent the most time with and whatnot. We've been pretty good about getting together for Christmas every year--and this year there were actually great turnouts for birthdays and such too. I wish we all saw each other more, but everyone's busy ... you know how that goes.

I'm in charge of the planning since I'm unemployed. I'm thinking dinner at Ichi Riki because I love shabu shabu. It's always such a pain to plan these things so I just asked for free days from everyone and am going to make a reservation where I want to eat. If they don't like it, then whoever complains can find a new venue ... I think it's a great plan. We're not exchanging gifts at all this year so I figure that we can spend a little more on food. Usually we do a secret santa thing that never works out because:

1. One person always has to know who our friend who lives in California has because they have to call and tell her.
2. Most of the group only talks frequently to a couple of the others.
3. Everyone always tells each other who they got because we often end up with the one person in the group we really don't see often so we have no idea what they like
4. It's a pain in the ass and no one ever wants to get it planned. This also involves all of us getting together twice--once to pick names, and once to exchange--and it's hard enough getting nine schedules in sync for a dinner.

Sooooo, I said eff the secret santa thing this year. I'll probably just get gifts for the people I see all the time. I wanted to play grab bag, but that idea was ill-received by Xmas (not really Chirstmas-y spirit for someone who shares a nickname with the holiday!).

Okay, I've dawdled enough. I really need to get a chunk of people off my list today.

I also work at The Restaurant tonight. I love when it's busy! We're having a much slower holiday season than in all the years I've been there, but it's a huge increase from what we've been doing recently. I love it when we have a packed house, and a full staff to take care of it all. That's when my job is interesting and enjoyable. I work all of the Eves and the Days in the next two weeks though--I'm hoping to get out early on New Year's Eve at least and go out for once with friends.

should unemployed people have to be this busy?

2008-12-16T06:42:00.003-10:00

I seriously can't get anything done until I

1. Check email (although less so now that I get my BlackBerry updates throughout the day), excessively.
2. See what's new on MySpace and Facebook.
3. Follow-up on all the blogs I read.
4. Write a blog, usually.
5. Do 1-3 all over again.

Then I can work. Hah. I feel like I'm back in school again. I got up early to finish up some stuff and I'm meeting a friend at the mall at 9am to (finally) start my Christmas shopping. That reminds me that I also have to make a list*.

Today and tomorrow are filled with a whole bunch of stuff. Shopping today, paying those tickets I got (one needs something from my insurance company, I think), cashing some much-needed paychecks, dinners with two separate friends on each night, planning our high school group's holiday get together, a lunch followed by a sort-of interview at the Capitol (toying with the idea of working session again from January-May just to have something to do), finish writing about vacation condos in Hawaii, and (I guess) working on the Day Job/Other Place books since I haven't had the courage to back out yet. Oh, maybe squeeze in a haircut if there's time.

Okay, mental list prepared. Wish me luck.

*(I was going to say "and check it twice" here, but then I felt very cheesy and wasn't sure if I wanted to be that cliche and lame. However, did want to acknowledge it in some way.)

i like to fit into my clothes

2008-12-13T15:28:00.002-10:00

I think the halt of excessive weekday drinking with The Day Job coworkers to stave off sheer insanity from our jobs is better for weight loss than the running I was squeezing in to cancel out the booze calories.

Not that I don't enjoy excessive weekday drinking for any other occasion, of course.

sometimes I'm six

2008-12-13T15:07:00.002-10:00

I know I shouldn't.
And I know better.

But I always eat the raw leftover cookie dough.

i love cookies!

2008-12-13T08:25:00.003-10:00

Forgot to turn my alarm off so I've been up since 8AM--not that early, I know, but still sort of early for a Saturday.

Sent out my resume to a couple of places, and finally got the bright idea to save multiple copies of resumes/cover letters geared at different strengths for various jobs. Sometimes I just don't think things through; I was previously rewriting all the time (especially for cover letters) and always wondering "What the heck did I write before?"

I think I'll work on some copywriting stuff, and bake some cookies.

Ghiradelli chocolate chips were on sale at Safeway so I bought some and some random things that I thought we would be out of at home since my last baking ~~fiasco~~ experience. Of course, we had all the things that I had bought (even the damn chocolate chips), but no flour. That was same night I was making my crazy pasta in a pot with tons of zucchini, so I just gave up that endeavor for the night. I think I'll head back to Safeway and get some more supplies today though. Flour. Damn.

Okay, off to make me some breakfast. I love breakfast (I'll eat it for every meal if I can) and being unemployed means I get to eat it, like, every day because there's that much time.

I'm dabbling in three part time things, I should really stop calling myself unemployed ...

i love zucchini

2008-12-11T23:50:00.002-10:00

I'm not a big fan of crazy rain.

Need to get to bed soon because I have a ton of things to do tomorrow. I told my boss from The Day Job that I would help her out at her Other Place and clean up some of their books. I'm supposed to go in tomorrow at 10. Erg. Don't know how long that's going to last. I guess I should bug her about The Day Job last payroll, too, since I've got people calling me about it. Boo.

Didn't get to close my windows last night and my room got drenched--the desk (with laptop!) in particular since it sits right below the window. BOO. For a while, I thought that the laptop was broken since it kept shutting itself down and wouldn't restart unless I unplugged it and plugged it back in, but it has been fine for most of the afternoon and evening. I definitely do not have extra money to buy a new one. I was just thinking how I really need to get myself a new battery so that it no longer is a laptop posing as a desktop though.

I haven't been to work at The Restaurant in a week because of slow days they called me off and scheduling changes. I'm not too motivated about it in this weather. Open air restaurants mean open rain restaurants. It's pretty miserable there when it rains, and I'm really surprised anyone eats there at all during these rainy month.

Made dinner tonight. Some pasta recipe I found on the internet. It was pretty simple, which I like. This one lets you cook the pasta in the pot with everything else so you don't have to boil it separately. I like this because I hate having to cook pasta. My lasagna recipe is always made with those noodles that cook themselves in the oven. I subbed red peppers for zucchini because I'm a zucchini freak and sub it into everything I make. I guess I could have put both, but it was already pretty hearty with the onions, ground beef, and mushrooms on top of my zucchini madness--I always forget how much one of those things can yield when they're all chopped up.

My theory about being able to Christmas shop now that I have days free has been a total bust. I should start soon though.

Busy, busy, busy.

Okay. Reading. Then sleep. Tomorrow will probably be long.

over this unemployment t hing

2008-12-09T18:58:00.002-10:00

Had a pretty lazy day. Again. I think this unemployed thing is going to get old a lot quicker the second time around.

I did have coffee and a meeting with a guy that C. put me in touch with to do some copywriting work for. I'm excited about this project in particular because it's finally something to do with my degree and a firm step in the direction I want to go. I didn't take the opportunity to do anything in my field (aside from a lone article in the [less than stellar] campus newspaper) while I was in college, and am finding it hard to sell myself to people without experience.

Still loving the BlackBerry.

Looking forward to tomorrow. I have a happy hour date planned with C. and K. and I'm more than little starved for some social interaction. I've had the last handful of days off from The Restaurant because it has been so slow and the lack of human contact (aside from my clothes bleaching, virus clicking mother) has been almost non-existant. I can handle being by myself, but it's starting to get to me a little too.

I'm itching to get off the island and take a trip, but I know there is absolutely no money for that--especially not while unemployed. Being out of college kind of sucks that way. No more spring, summer, and winter break to get the heck off the island. I'm beginning to come to terms with my love-hate relationship with Hawaii. I realize that it is a great place to grow up and live, but, at the same time, I'm still pretty sick with the smallness of it all. I was just looking at the honeymoon pictures of the friend who got married in September, and it made me miss Europe and NYC so much.

Maybe I'll start my Christmas shopping too. I've been afraid of the mall since trying to get there and find parking when C. and I CPKed it on Saturday for lunch. However, I know it will only get worse. And I totally have the advantage of those (semi) early morning shopping hours. Argh. I hate shopping for my sister. She's so hard to buy for. I should do what she does (more than once in a while): just buy random stuff in the preferred dollar amount in a store that the person shops at. That way they can just return it and get whatever they want. Hah.

I wonder if there's any Vitamin Water left? I knew I should have picked up some while I was at Foodland this morning. I was lugging around a gallon of POG (had a craving since last night) and didn't want to bother grabbing a basket. I think the sale (10 for $10) is over today, too. Boo. Yoplait also had the same deal going, if anyone was wondering.

Okay, I think mom is bringing Chinese food home. Done.

wtf

2008-12-09T12:19:00.002-10:00

I take back what I said. I didn't click anything funny. I just realized that my mom has been using my computer and I think SHE effed it up. That pisses me off. I don't understand how she can SUCK so badly at simple things. I wish she wouldn't touch my stuff.

-- Edit --

Either I'm paranoid (quite possibly) or whatever is on my computer is purposely shutting down my virus scan!

looking back

2008-12-08T13:46:00.003-10:00

I got distracted from putting on make-up and actually getting the eff out of my house to do things I need to do (like turning in the Day Job's last payroll to the accountant and dropping off the last of my unemployment forms) when I started going through my old blogs, and then journals.

Never a good idea.

It makes me sad. It makes me sad to think that I have the same insecurities and irrationalities I always did. It makes me sad to realize that I have all the same unresolved issues with all of the people I've cared most about in my life, and the only ones I've made peace with are the ones I don't talk to anymore (which is where the peace stems from). It is sad.

BOO to delving through the past.
I will make something good happen today so that I will believe in the "brighter future" again.

football is okay with beer and Twitter

2008-12-07T18:17:00.003-10:00

I think I clicked on something funny and it installed stuff on my computer. Boo! So I'm in the process of scanning for nasty things right now.

Still enjoying the free time and less stress that comes with my unemployment. I've cleaned out my room and car, done a ton of laundry, filed my unemployment papers, tweaked my resume, started two books from my daunting pile of long-ignored purchases, blogged and journaled, learned to love my Blackberry, and caught up with a few friends.

I went to my first UH football game last night with A. It was not as bad as originally expected, but I don't think it's anything that I would turn into a routine or anything. A. took care of most of the costs for me (ticket, most of the beer and food, and a shirt because I was wearing the "wrong green"), which I can't complain about. Things also got a little Twitter-crazy since I had a friend there, and one at home who wanted me to Tweet my findings of an event I have long sworn off. I think I had a little too much beer though--sleeping that night proved hard to do even after a lot of water and some more food to stave off a hangover. I think I got up at around 3AM and finally forced myself to throw up, which immediately helped and made for a peaceful rest of the night.

Okay, off to job search ... as much as unemployment is great right now, I'm sure the novelty will wear off quickly.

not growing up

2008-12-07T12:05:00.003-10:00

I do not know how to let go.

I really thought I was getting better with this kind of thing, as experience kept a constant tally of how utterly messed up things would get if I kept doing the same thing over and over.

I always do things the hard way. Always.

good news

2008-12-05T12:08:00.002-10:00

I feel like writing again.

However, writing takes up a lot of time. Well, for me it does.

I have to get my butt down to the unemployment office to turn in one last form so that the State will send me money while I look for another job. I'm not getting much at all since I haven't made all that much in the last year or so, but every little bit helps. The girl who helped me in the unemployment office yesterday was awesome: friendly, helpful, articulate about instructions, and patient.

Unfortunately (as those of you who follow me on Twitter already know) I also got towed while at the unemployment office. I was in one of those no parking between 330 and 530 zones. The cop ticketed me at 333 and my car was gone by the time I got out at 340. Crazy. It cost $145 to get the car back, plus a $50 ticket. BOO. I'm just not having any luck with my car this year. First the accident, then the speeding ticket, then the tow--all within the last six months. Must make sure to get one of those driving protection things at the Shinto shrine this year. Not sure if I necessarily believe in them 100%, but I'm sure it can't hurt any either.

Also, the dog bit me yesterday while I was trying to wrangle some food she stole away from her. Now I have a big bruise where her teeth grazed me. At least there was no blood. I've had worse from her, but it still pissed me off enough to text my sister and complain about it.

I'm thoroughly enjoying the new phone. Except the stupid voice command button, which I never plan on using and haven't figured out how to disable.

Urg, okay need to get out of the house and be productive.

bleach

2008-12-04T07:59:00.002-10:00

Do you know what happens when you bleach black fabric? It turns brown.

How do I know this? Because my mother continuously ruins my black clothes by bleaching them.

Why would anyone in their right mind bleach black clothing????????? That is something I have yet to figure out.

She's been doing this for years. I keep telling her to stop doing my laundry, but she wants to "help."

ARGH.

No, seriously ... WHY WOULD YOU BLEACH BLACK CLOTHING?!???

ghetto phone

2008-12-03T15:53:00.003-10:00

.... is no more.

Bought myself a new toy ... although maybe Christmas time while unemployed is not the time to be buying new toys for yourself?

I've been needing a new phone for a while though. And I've been considering the additional costs and such for a while too. I'm not usually a spontaneous shopper (except for the occasional pair of shoes--and, even then, only if they're on sale) and I never buy myself fancy gadgets. So I figure that if I've been sitting on this decision for a good while now (not days or weeks, but months) and I still want the thing, just get it already.

Anyway I got myself a BlackBerry ... which is actually the first phone I've bought myself since switching to TMobile, like, a couple of years ago.

Too bad I suck at figuring phones out.

unemployed again

2008-12-02T16:47:00.003-10:00

The title's not really true. I've still got the part-time gig at The Restaurant. So it's just like summer when I started getting back into blogging all over again.

I count today as Day One of being unemployed since yesterday I was 1) hung over (stupid gin) and 2) got called in to the Day Job because they, apparently, can't do anything without me.

Today was great though. I breakfasted (my favorite!), napped, and got some much needed cleaning and laundry done. Looking forward to sending out resumes, reading, getting back into running, and having time to actually do Christmas shopping for the first time since I started college.

It does make me (very, very, very) nervous to be unemployed right now. Don't think that it doesn't freak me out to be job hunting, especially right now. However, I think this is a good time in my life to be starting over again. I'm in a good place and have a lot of support behind me. I'm excited to find something new.

Okay, need to throw another batch of laundry into the wash.

i already hate packing when it's my own stuff

2008-11-29T10:45:00.002-10:00

Dilly dallying because I don't want to go in to the Day Job and pack up crap. I'm so over the place, and this is all volunteer work so it doesn't really make me anxious to get going. My boss keeps asking me about whether I'm coming along to the new venue when they reopen later next year. I know a lot of my coworkers who are going along want me to jump back on board too. It's frustrating because I feel pressured and guilty, but, at the same time, I'm like, "Uh, guys I know we're closing, but I actually put my notice in. I QUIT." I don't know. I don't think there is anything they could even offer me in terms of a raise or perks that would get me to come along. I also have a friend who has already told me that she will stop taking my phone calls if I get suckered back in because she's never seen me so miserable at a job and is glad I got out.

I guess I should get going. BOO. I'm definitely not staying past 5pm either.

stuffing!

2008-11-27T11:35:00.002-10:00

After the stuffing, cranberries, and pie, my next favorite part of Thanksgiving is the reflection that takes place. I like that there is actually a holiday that asks of you, "Hey, slow it down there. Take a look around your life and find the good things that you just look past every other day of the year."

I used to think it was really corny and too sentimental for cynics like me. However, ever since 2005, when my dad started getting sick, Thanksgiving hits a little more emotionally for me. Or maybe the cynicism is just waning as I get older, although I doubt that very much.

This last half of the year was pretty rough on me. I was miserable at The Restaurant for a while, and then even more miserable at The Day Job. The (ex) Boyfriend and I called it quits during that madness as well. And there are the ever-present issues that I always just kind of refuse to deal with on a day to day basis.

I am always, always reminded, though, of how I am so lucky to have so many people in my life to get me through rough patches. It's the people in my life who get me through my days. My sister, and my friends, and my co-workers. Without the support, I would be a mess. Without the booze, too, probably.

Happy Thanksgiving.

text messaging

2008-11-23T08:14:00.002-10:00

I never even considered that this could ever happen to me:

I was eating with The (ex)Boyfriend last night when I get a weird text from a number I didn't recognize. It said "Hey girly what you doing." First of all, I don't know why anyone would call me "girly" because I hate stuff like that so right off the back I was kind of like, "who the eff is this?!" I did feel bad though because the night before I had actually done a purge of my phonebook and deleted a lot of people that I figured I hadn't talked to in a long time and probably wouldn't have had a reason to either. Go figure that one of them was probably texting me, right?

I asked who was texting, and the person replied with the name of a friend that I actually do have, but haven't talked to in years. I thought it was weird to get texts out of the blue, but also miss having chats with this friend so I made breakfast plans with them for this morning.

However, it was a good thing that this girl called me before we were supposed to meet because it turned out that she must have had the wrong number when she started texting (I've had my number for more than a couple of years now). I contemplated texting a "sorry I think we had an identity problem last night" message, but since my boss texts me like crazy I don't really have any to spare; I think she could come to the same conclusions I did with the awkward phone call.

So be careful with texting. At least I can go back to sleep now.

miserable week.

2008-11-22T12:17:00.002-10:00

SICK AGAIN.

I don't think the weather right now is helping. I dislike heavy rain as it is ... definitely not something that is helping my cold. Man, I JUST got sick a couple of months ago too. I think it's all the stress from the Day Job. I really do. I usually get sick once a year, at most. It's unheard of to fall ill again in such a short time span!

So my notice at the Day Job doesn't really matter anymore because they're actually shutting their doors at the end of the month anyway. Now no one will ever realize how much I do ... hah. I think it's for the best though. I have a lot of bad feelings about the entire thing, but whatever. Ride out the last week and move on to bigger, better things ... that should be a good plan.

Ended up pulling a 13-hour shift there yesterday because there was no one to be the night manager. Between that, the cold, us telling all the employees they would be jobless during Christmas, and all the general bad feelings that began to rear their heads this week ... it was a miserable night. I hope there is someone to work tonight because I'm already over it.

I have dinner plans with The (ex)Boyfriend ... not sure what to make of it. We'll see, I guess.

Okay, gotta get my butt into work ... boss was texting me at 730AM about letting the cleaners in and I said I wouldn't be in till 1PM. Thank God she just told them to come then too and not me go in early.

I HATE BEING SICK. (Man, I'm such a big baby ...)

pre-work post

2008-11-17T08:37:00.003-10:00

Just because I really don't want to go and this is something else I can do for a little while.

Man, one thing I love about the Day Job is the commute. I get in at 9am so traffic has already thinned out by the time I begin my trek to work, and, even in traffic it has only ever taken me about 15 minutes to get from the Likelike on-ramp to the Pali exit. After I get off the freeway, it's smooth sailing down Bishop Street (usually) and to my parking structure. A 10 minute commute (on the average day) is amazing to me after having to sit in horrendous morning rush hour traffic for the five years I was at UH.

I have a lot of dreams about the Day Job. Just one more example of how I'm way too stressed out and preoccupied with things there. This morning I had a short dream between alarms (I set three and hit snooze on them all for about half an hour every day) that I got put in charge of all the ordering in the kitchen. Not too far-fetched, which is scarey. I would definitely walk out if that happened though. Like I did in my dream.

Maybe I should have left a little earlier and picked up some Starbucks or something. Maybe I'll do that now and just go in a bit late. I should appreciate the flexibility of my job; I probably would a little more if the flexibility didn't also mean that I go in at all odd hours of my time off to help out, usually without clocking in.

My craving for more coffee is kicking in so I guess Starbucks it is! Venti coffee with shots of vanilla? That's The (ex)Boyfriend's drink. I'll steal it for now.

If you're reading, have a great day ... I'm hoping mine will be, too.

can't sleep

2008-11-17T00:34:00.002-10:00

Did some more of that late night running thing that I always mean to avoid so now I'm pretty awake. The dog is also being totally irritating and racing around the living room, barking, and whining at the cats outside. You would think that she would be used to their presence by now, but NO. I'm so over it.

I really like wearing dark maroon/black nail polish, but it's a pain to upkeep since I'm into everything and chip them after just a day or two. I tried to cheat my way out of having to redo all my nails by painting over the chipped parts, but since it's so dark it just turned into a big mess. Boo.

I've been journaling a lot (as opposed to blogging) and I like it. I'll always love blank books and the comfort I find in filling them.

Been thinking a lot about my dad lately ... with the episode watching and chats I've had with my sister. Holidays are always going to be, I'm sure. I still just feel so cheated about the whole affair. I will never think that this was fair. Or that this is the way things should be. And I will never think that this "happened for a reason." Eh, enough of that.

I think I'll pick up a book and see if that will help the sleep thing. I guess I've already "written out" everything that I really wanted to earlier.

wasting time, as usual

2008-11-15T17:37:00.002-10:00

It has been a long week.

Today is working out to be pretty relaxing though. Had lunch at Mariposa in Neiman Marcus with a friend as a "thank you for taking time out of your day and coming to Y. Hata with me for a huge will call order so that The Day Job can have stuff to sell." Then met up with C to do some shopping. Or she did shopping and I looked around not finding anything. I'm not too into the stuff that comes out in winter. It's starting to look picked through already too. Influx of tourists or early Christmas gifts being snatched up, I guess. Then I stopped by The Day Job just to make sure that everything was okay money-wise with them. I usually put in a couple of hours, but there was no time for that today. Picked up a few much-needed things at Longs on the way home and now I should be getting ready to go to dinner with C and K ... but I'm dilly dallying online instead.

Debating whether to wear the red lipstick I never use because (even though I bought it and loved it) I'm too scared to wear it or do the usual dark eye make-up. Can't do both without feeling hooker-ish.

the only good storyline in season three

2008-11-09T01:31:00.003-10:00

I'm watching reruns of "Grey's Anatomy" online.
Just because.

I'm watching the episode where George's dad dies.
On purpose.
I had to Google it.
Because I like to torture myself ... apparently.

I miss my dad.
So much.
I really to ask him what I should do right now.
And I want him to answer me.
So bad.

It's holiday time again.
I still hate it.
HATE it.

I hate this episode.

**

The last four minutes of the episode really kill me.
Every. Time.
I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.

three strikes, right?

2008-11-07T08:37:00.002-10:00

Got pulled over for speeding last night.
Freaked out because I wasn't sure if he would ask me about alcohol or not.
(Wasn't driving badly, just regular speeding)
Luckily (for me), at the same time the cop was following me, something was happening somewhere else.
Sounded like some sort of domestic dispute from what I heard across our cars on the police scanner.
He ended up telling me I was in luck tonight and to slow down.
He clocked me at 50MPH in a 35MPH zone.
I said sorry and thank you.

Man, I gotta be more careful. My first--and previously only--speeding infraction happened similarly. Pulled over, got scared about drinking (more so since I was under 21 at the time), cop let me go.

I don't think I'll be so lucky a third time.

Lesson learned for a long time, hopefully.

career moves?

2008-11-05T20:57:00.003-10:00

I totally need to stop doing these two things:

1. Crying at work.
2. Crying about work.

Having done both things today (sort of: I cried at The Restaurant about the Day Job), I think maybe I need to take seriously consider finding a new job. Again. And I know I bitched and moaned all day and night and every damn blog entry until I thought the Day Job was going to save me. However, the Day Job is pretty ridiculous right now in terms of responsibilities I have no business have nor want nor enjoy. I feel like I have a pretty important position to start with so I don't want to say too much about our problems, but I'm ready to get out, I think.

(Discretion about where I work is always appreciated ... for those of you who know me in real life ...)

I feel really bad about wanting to leave, though, because I know I pull a lot of the responsibilities there and they depend on me a lot. However, I don't think I get paid for all the extra work I took on. And, really, I don't see it getting and better or easier (I would really take either at this point; and I know that they don't necessarily go hand in hand) anytime in the near future.

Ugh.

I'm slowly tweaking my resume and looking at job opportunities that people have been sending my way.

I'm still just really unsure about letting everyone at the Day Job down though.

Boo.

For tonight it'll have to be a beer, a home-manicure, and some much-needed me-time. Hopefully that rids me of all the bad feelings I carried around today and made their way out my eyes at the most inopportune time.

P.S. I hate boys.

i still wish i didn't have to work today

2008-11-04T07:57:00.003-10:00

Up early, despite being up pretty late.

Probably because I'm excited to vote! (What a geek, I know.) Out of all the things I'm cynical and bitter about, I still have not found it within myself to be bitter and cynical about this.

Coffee, coffee, coffee. I've been getting a lot of caffeine lately. I've missed my coffee. (Drank staggering amounts of it while working at the Capitol and in Europe, but not so much after that.)

monday, monday.

2008-11-03T08:27:00.003-10:00

I don't think I'll have any time at all to do NaNoWriMo this year. Day Job = Crazy. Sometimes I want to write about the Day Job in more detail, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable. We've had a lot of serious controversy there, and another girl, who is no longer with us, actually had some people find her blog where she wrote about some of the happenings, and it was not really a nice outcome at all. I'm sure as things start settling down (externally--internally I'm sure we'll always have a lot of interesting things to work on), I will be able to talk about it more. I think if I had written about the Day Job over the first few months I've been there, all anonymity for myself would have totally gone out to window though. It's just better this way. With The Restaurant, I couldn't care less who knows that sometimes I hate it there. They know it. Haha. Plus I hold a far less important position at The Restaurant.

Argh.

Right now I'm sitting around in my underwear, drinking coffee, blogging, and wishing I didn't have to go to work. I was hoping that we would take Election Day off and close at the Day Job (The Restaurant never closes; curse being an eatery in a hotel!), but no such luck. Or I hope not since I think we already have a handful of reservations on the books. I haven't voted yet so I'll probably use that as an excuse to take a couple of hours off tomorrow. I keep meaning to vote early since I don't really enjoy going to my new polling place. Not to sound as if I'm trying to put myself above others or anything, but my polling place is kind of ghetto. I guess I'll have to brave it, though, since I'm such a damn procrastinator--and not voting, especially in a presidential year, is completely unacceptable to me. I try not to lecture people about it, but I really feel that voting is a simple privilege that should be taken advantage of at every opportunity. It really irks me when people talk about voting as if it's just a pain in the ass or a choice that they could do without.

Okay, I'm probably going to be late to work (sort of, since I think I make my own hours at the Day Job). ARGH. Maybe later this week I'll be able to write about the two previous entries in detail so that the issue can be officially put to rest.

Here's to hoping it's not a crazy week (for me, and for all of you).

because i'm not 18 anymore and you can't do this to me for one more day

2008-10-28T21:42:00.003-10:00

Did what I need to (against my--and others'--better judgment).

Got smashed by it.

Got none of what I wanted; most of the things I expected.

Cried my fucking eyes out. My sinuses are still throbbing.

I wanted closure. Could have gotten it better, could have salvaged something if it had went another way. But it happened the way it did.

Now pick up the pieces, sort through the memories worth keeping, and move on.

I'm 24 now; I can do this.

I will.

-- Edit --

I am a liar. I insisted that had the situations been reversed, I would have stepped up to be the bigger person. I would have given the closure being begged for. However, when I got the text message last night asking if I was okay, I said "no" when I could have easily just said "yes" and let it be done with. I should have said "yes." Now the you-hurt-me-so-I-hurt-you-back cycle continues.

vague is what i do best.

2008-10-28T08:13:00.002-10:00

I am so stupid sometimes.
I let the same things happen to me over and over again, all the while thinking that this time is going to be different. This time is not going to turn out the same way. And you can apply this to pretty much every aspect of my life.

I can't help it. I believe in people and the good that is in them. And why shouldn't I do that with everyone? I know beautiful, spectacular people who have shown me that there is reason to trust and love and believe, despite being disappointed at times.

And even with those who continue to blindside me, in spite of my good judgment and girly intuition, I just want to believe in better times. So badly.

Promises aren't worth anything if you never keep them. Then they're just pretty, empty things.

Over it.

full of spaghetti (it's all i can think about)

2008-10-27T22:45:00.002-10:00

This past weekend was full of no falling down, and winning $40 at poker. I do not think I just had beginner's luck because I was playing with a new group of people. I think my no-strategy strategy (enhanced greatly by alcohol-fueled rash decisions) is just good for poker playing. Also much easier than having real strategy.

I ate way too much spaghetti tonight. Man, I really need to work on better impulse control.

Last week was long and stressful and crazy. I'm hoping this week will be less of all of that. However, I doubt it. Oh, well. It's the Day Job and all the restructuring and general disarray of everything there. Bleh.

I'm way too tired (and it's only Monday!) to write. Or run.

I'm reading again, at least. Right now about the life of Elizabeth I. <3 historical fiction.

Yeah, too tired. Maybe I'll try to wake up early tomorrow and blog with my coffee.

weekends are for boozing

2008-10-19T17:00:00.002-10:00

Eventful weekend. I should really stop drinking. Or something. It seems to be the only thing on my social calendar lately. I'm sure I'll outgrow it eventually.

Friday was a long day of work and more work so I called my sister after I finished at The Restaurant and we had some drinks at her boyfriend's place. I like drinking with my sister and her crazy cat that she named after me. I eventually went down to Wailana Coffee House to meet up with some of my high school friends that I haven't seen in a while. However, alcohol made me order a breakfast plate over the phone and completely not want it at all when I got there. I believe people eventually started picking off some of it, but blah, what a waste.

Saturday started with a couple of hours at the Day Job because I had to hang out and open the safe to get cash for a delivery they were getting that day. Boo. I was a little bit hung over the entire time too so not much of a happy camper. I think it was mixing champagne and red wine the night before. The rest of my afternoon was just a long nap so that I would be okay to go out drinking again. Met up with K. and C. at Azteca on Waialae for some chimichangas and a pitcher of margaritas. Then headed to Showdown in Chinatown at 39 Hotel.

I suck at finding my way around Chinatown/Downtown. We parked in a parking lot that completely disoriented my sense of direction when we got to the street level. I'm amazed we were able to find it again.

Anyway, watched some films and had some more wine. Then ate it on the way back to the car and skinned both my knees. I have two of those big knee band-aids on right now and I feel like I'm six years old. Good thing I was a little boozed up at the time of falling because they must have been crazy sore last night. This morning changing the dressings was not fun. I can't imagine how much it actually hurt last night without the dulling of alcohol to help.

So that was my weekend. I guess exercising is put on hold for a couple of days while my knees heal; they're pretty messed up right now and I think I also have some bruising to look forward to later this week, as well.

Good times.

life emulates tv

2008-10-17T01:13:00.002-10:00

Running at night. Still not a good idea.

You know that episode of "Grey's Anatomy" where Christina and Meredith need to dance around and get everything out? I did that tonight. I danced it out after my run. And it was great.

wow, this entry sucks.

2008-10-13T23:37:00.002-10:00

Changed into workout clothes, but I think I'm just going to sleep--good thing most of the workout clothes and the sleep clothes are actually the same thing. I'm telling myself that if I get to bed before midnight, there may be a good chance that I will get up in time to do a quick run before work. Eh. I'm not too concerned about it since Tuesdays are my nights off from The Restaurant so there is time to do whatever needs to be done.

What I really need to do is go to the bank and deposit a bunch of paychecks. I miss direct deposit so much :( I never have time to go to the bank, and my bank (the UH Credit Union) has the worst hours for my schedule. 8-4 ... unless it's the day they're only open 8-3. Boo.

My hair is getting long again. I want to cut it. Or at least style it a bit. The ends are getting stringy. I'm so lazy with the styling ... and it takes forever to dry. However, I am also short in time and money to upkeep a short style right now. And I really hate when my hair looks untidy and messy.

Wow, this blog entry is boring me and I'm the one writing it. Time to turn in so there is energy enough to have a great, eventful day to write about tomorrow.

This is the type of customer I hate

2008-10-09T20:16:00.001-10:00

Large party, specially requested table, made that day, but:

Over a half hour late with no phone call to the restaurant; no apology for being late; have the gall to give the name and late reservation time as if it's not over a half hour later; change in the number (in this case, from 6 to 8) without telling the restaurant before hand (we're a small place so sometimes this is a big problem); insist they can squeeze onto the requested table when there is obviously no room; "concede" that the offered alternate table is "okay;" when told to wait so that we can set the table up for their new number, start walking into the restaurant and sitting at the table while people are still putting things down on it and moving chairs; proceed to make only specialty orders that they want "right now."

Lame. And totally inconsiderate. They had better tip the server well. Grr.

At work and

2008-10-08T13:22:00.001-10:00

SICK. BOO!

Sore throat turned into a full blown head cold between last night and now. Still got the sore throat; plus a runny nose, congested head, and painful sinuses. Freaking out of nowhere too.

I really want to go home and lie down. :(

i love routines

2008-10-06T23:43:00.002-10:00

Been trying to get back into some sort of good routine (blogging regularly, exercising regularly, anything that's not drinking a lot or eating my feelings). However, it is proving to be rather difficult. I'm so pooped when I get home from work (I clock in around 9am--late, I know, and lucky me--at the Day Job and clock out at 9-9:30pm at The Restaurant) that I really don't feel like running. Feeling fat feels less important than getting a hot meal and getting to lie down and unwind. And, as much as this may surprise people who know me, I kind of hate all the negativity that always seems to come out when I write. Maybe it's because this is a different kind of unhappy. I have an incredibly short fuse (my "fake Korean-ness" coming out I guess), but usually if I rant, I find it to be kind of an amusing way to vent. I think it comes off that way to a lot of other people too. Either that or it's that emo, sappy crap I spew sometimes, but usually a good metaphor or something comes out of that too. The way I've been feeling lately is just "blah." If I could turn it around a bit, I'm sure it would all be 100% more tolerable, but I can't seem to do it.

I know that I should feel fortunate enough to have two jobs that pay me relatively well for what I have the experience of doing, but I'm just not happy right now. I'm working to change that through perspective and casual job glancing (not really searching, just keeping my eyes alert) so we'll see how that goes. I'm very afraid to be unemployed for a long period of time.

I've been hanging out in my sister's room a lot. The elliptical is here, and since she's never home anymore the TV in her room has no cable, so I bring my laptop here ... and often leave it because it really is a pain to unplug the damn thing and restart every time I want to switch rooms.

Argh.

Katy Perry's "Hot 'n Cold" is my new favorite guilty pleasure song of the moment. I think it perfectly describes how I have always felt about most of the boys I've dated/not dated. It makes me want to dance around and toss my hair a lot--if I weren't so pooped anyway.

Okay, I'm going to try really hard now to go to bed and wake up early to run. I always say that. I know.

Oh, thinking of doing NaNoWriMo again. Not sure if I have any good ideas or not though. I've never finished, and only half-heartedly tried twice. Heck, I don't even know if I have enough time right now.

sundays are for lunching and shopping

2008-10-05T17:16:00.003-10:00

Had a good day.

Went to Manoa Marketplace to check out the new store Xmas works at, Adoracion. The stuff is pretty cute. They have clothes for women, men, and children; plus a nice selection of jewelry. Some of the stuff is pricey, but a lot of it is affordable. Afterwards ate with K. and Xmas at Red Ginger Cafe next door. I had a salad, but I knew I should have gotten a sandwich or a wrap because I ended up being hungry a couple of hours later. They had a create your salad thing, which was okay but nothing special and a little small for the $7 they charged.

K. and I trekked out to Ala Moana next because I need work clothes. I've decided to stop fighting the urge to buy all black, white, and grey clothes. It's just going to happen. I can deal with it. It is a bit odd, though, because when I go out, I love to wear color. For work, however, I think I only have one blue shirt and that's as far as the color goes.

I went to M.A.C. to use the gift card the ITS co-workers gave me for my birthday. I don't really like going to the store. They usually just ignore me, but today this one girl seemed as if she would be sort of helpful. She ended up sort of rushing me into making a choice, though, and somehow conned me into buying a lip liner on top of the gloss I wanted. I'll probably return the liner later and get something else. I'm not big on lip liner, although maybe I'll try it since the lipstick I was trying to match the gloss for is pretty neutral and tends to make me look a bit washed out (hence the need for a good gloss pairing). I also got a couple of $5 camisoles to layer under my work clothes from Pac Sun, and a cheap (grey) dress at Old Navy.

Not bad for the spending. Lunch was the most expensive part (for what I got) and the total damage for the entire day was under $40.

Seeing my high school friends always makes me feel better. I should have went out last night instead of moping around.

Okay. I am going to run now. Because I just realized that between yesterday and today I pretty much polished off an entire can of Pringles. Mom ate some, but I know it was mostly me. Sad.

Let's hope that today means the start of a good week. I could use it.

filling in the blanks

2008-10-04T22:43:00.003-10:00

I've been meaning to write. I want to write. However, I know it's just going come off as sad so I've held back.

The Day Job has gotten increasingly more stressful as the weeks progress. This was supposed to be my salvation from The Restaurant and my first step into the "real world," but it's making me miserable some days to work there. I know that I just need to keep myself separated from the work. I can't take the job personally, and I can't feel guilty or responsible for a million things that I have no control over. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed there again, and I think I'm going to have to start taking on more things since there are major restructuring issues taking place right now. I'm a bit scared about it.

Things at The Restaurant have actually what has been keeping me sane. Now that we have our manager back to smooth everything over, work has gotten a lot better. Plus since I'm so stressed out at the Day Job, it's nice to have part of my day where I feel confidant and good at the things I do. I know it's not something I can do forever, but right now I think I really need to stay there to balance out all the inadequate feelings the Day Job gives me.

They finally hired another hostess, too, so it's good to have someone to talk to now that it's so slow every night. I like this girl. I hope she sticks it out. I've trained somewhere along the lines of seven other girls, and I don't think I've ever liked them right away like the way I like this one. Yay! Too bad I probably won't ever get to work with her after training is done until it starts picking up again.

I realize that I really miss The (ex)Boyfriend. I've had basically no contact with him since the break up. He just wants space right now and doesn't even return my (fine, sort of drunken) phone calls. I didn't really mind too much (that's kind of a lie), but I did get pretty pissed that he didn't check up on me after the last call I made -- which was (oh, other big news) after I hit a couple of parked cars and freaked out.

Yeah, the last two weeks weren't very fun for me.

Today (after my brief stop-in at the Day Job), I locked myself in my room, watched TV shows that I've missed online and ate my feelings. I really need to start running again because I can already tell that the eating and drinking of feelings is starting to take it's toll again. BOO. So I guess I'm hermit-ing for the weekend. I already turned down a couple of offers from friends to go out, and I don't feel much like doing anything anyway. I guess I've already made the conscious effort to watch my behavior, though, so none of that crazy downward spiraling thing occurs.

Well, that's what I've been doing.

Now (since this whole day was a total waste already) I'm going to finish it off by eating ice cream and finishing the "Futurama" movie. Man, I suck.

breaking up is hard to do

2008-09-27T00:52:00.002-10:00

I broke up with The Boyfriend on Tuesday. All I can say to explain ending the most wonderful, stable relationship with a guy I've never gotten along better with is that we were growing as people in different directions. We did not grow as a couple. And, as I've mentioned, I don't know how to remedy that.

I thought I was okay. That night I sort of was.

Tonight I freaked out, broke down, and had to be talked down from hating myself by a friend. Maybe it's the way my life is going right now, maybe it was the free booze I scored at work tonight. I keep second guessing myself even when I know I made a rational, adult decision that (he said) he agreed with.

I don't know.

That's all I want to say about it right now.

sometimes I wish I was a morning person. sometimes.

2008-09-23T08:05:00.002-10:00

Feeling ... alright, considering the last post I made. (Like everyone) I've got issues that I kind of refuse to deal with. Those of you who know know how ugly that can get, but (don't worry!) I've got it under control at the moment. Thank you for all the kind words that came my way afterward though. I really do appreciate it, and the way that people I've only known via the internet and have read me for so long can care really touches me. Not to be sappy in any way, but it really does mean a lot to me. You all know who you are. :)

I've been up since 6:15AM today (spent the night at The Boyfriend's so had to move the car by 6:30AM--gah) and have been productive. Picked up my prescription at Longs; also got some moisturizer with SPF since reading Glamor last night gave me a much-needed reminder of the effects I'll be paying for later if I keep skimping the face regiment routine; came home and threw the ball around for the dog; did a short 15-minute run with some quick weights that I'm not sure really did much for me, but felt good to do, ate some breakfast with my coffee for once, caught up on some much needed blog reading, answered some messages that have been building up in my Facebook inbox, and now I'm here. Dang, but now all that has put me behind schedule for showering and getting off to work. Maybe I'll try to sneak in a post later, if it's slow.

semi-drunken posting

2008-09-21T01:01:00.002-10:00

Noting the title, please excuse whatever typos or general nonsense comes out of this post.

I do know that (especially at my age and knowledge level) drinking is not the answer. However, in lieu of a real answer, drinking seems just as good.

Sometimes I think that I just drink to feel. Those of you who know the background understand that there are a lot of things that I've been pushing back for quite a while now. And this works for me on a day to day basis. I need to do it in order to function like a normal person who is not falling apart and crying about everything. And I like this. I like being able to take care of myself and to function. However, sometimes I just want to let my guard down ... my own sense of pride certainly wouldn't let me do that. Thus, I drink. Because it may not be that healthy, but it gets the job done to achieve the things that I really want. That would be to fully realize all the things I pretend aren't really around, but kind of know are.

Case and point: my father's passing. I don't think I've even referenced it here (or anywhere in a long, long time). I'm ashamed to say that I don't visit his grave frequently. I don't do it because it messes me up. Literally. Going there and seeing his gravestone throws me off for weeks, and so I've avoided it. I've avoided him. Even though I still love him more than anything in the world. Even though I know I should visit. Even though there isn't anything in the world that I have that I wouldn't give to have him back. I haven't visited since June. I went for my birthday and for his.

Sometimes I still can't believe he's really gone. Sometimes I still have dreams about him and wake up thinking he's alive. Sometimes I talk about him as if he's still alive and have no idea what to make about that. When strangers or casual acquaintances ask me questions about my family, I still talk about my father as if he's alive. I know I shouldn't. It has been over two years since he passed, but I still can't bring myself to say it casually. When I think about my own wedding (which I do in un-serious passing), it breaks my heart to think that he won't walk me down the aisle. And sometimes I think about what I'm going to do about that. Because I really don't want anyone to walk me at all if it's not my dad.

Hah. And now that I'm addressing it I'm probably going to be shaken up about it and weird for a couple of weeks. Which is why I hate talking about it. And yet I know not coming to terms with what happened is also the main reason why it still hits me so hard. Or is it? Should one ever really be "okay" with it? I know I was angry for the past two years every time I wasn't "okay" since everyone I knew promised me that, with time, it would be eaiser, it would be better. It's not better. It will never be better. And I don't want it to be better. I want him back. I just want him back and I can't believe that it has been so long that we've been without him. How can it be two years? How can it be that long when I still know exactly how he smells and I can still hear his voice? How can it be that long when I'm still so unready to be without him?

I try to write it out sometimes. Write it out so that it's out there for me to deal with and for me to see what's really going on. And yet not even that helps. the one thing that always helped leaves me more afraid and more uncertain about everything. I never thought it would be this way. I never saw it coming. ANd I still feel stupid for not seeing it coming. I still feel stupid for not spending more time with him because I really believed he had a chance at getting better. And everytime I think about what happened it kills me because I know that the way he died was his worst fear and what he never wanted. To be incapacitated. To be dependent. To be in so much pain without any way of taking control of what was going on. I hate it. I hate that he died that way.

This and this and this are still there. And I only let myself feel it and remember it and know it when I drink. Because every other time when it interferes with my ability to deal with life makes me feel weak. And I can't be weak anymore. I just can't.

hah. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. That is probably the lease complicated thing to deal with. But that's how it is with everyone, isn't it? So much to deal with and not enough time?

I just can't get over it. I watched him die. And there was not a goddamn thing I could do. And two years later it's not something I can come to terms with. I watched him die. I watched him go from healthy to gone in less than a year. It's not fair.

And I hate when people use the term "it was meant to be" for anything. Or say that "everything has a reason." I don't think there was any reason for him to suffer and to go. I don't think that this is how it was meant to be. I think it is unfair and wrong. And I don't think I will ever, ever be able to feel any other way. I don't want to. I don't want to think that it was right for my dad to die.

I'm done with the purge. I'll proabably drink more and mope. Tomorrow I will visit him and deal with the repercussions of it for the next few weeks. I miss him. So much.

what I've been doing instead of blogging

2008-09-20T15:23:00.004-10:00

I have not been blogging. Bad, I know. I have been working way too much, but that's kind of like normal already.

I don't know what The Restaurant thinks its doing sometimes. One thing I do know is that I lose more respect for the people running our company every week that I work there. I know it's a business, but, seriously, a good company would respect its employees. Especially since most of us have been in it for the long haul. Restaurant business is notorious for high turnover, and we used to have that. But, for the most part, the staff we have now has been sticking it out with the company for three or more years. We get good ratings, and we enjoy working together. I don't see how the company can treat us like we're too stupid to know what's going on. I don't understand them. Whatever though.

Went to a wedding last week for a former co-worker. I love weddings! The ceremony was short and sweet, and the reception was beautiful. I'm happy for the two of them.

Going to the wedding kind of made me start to think about my own relationship. In my mind (after years and years of growing up and dealing with "bad" relationships) I think that there are three very important things to keeping a relationship going: Strong communication, being in the same place in your lives together, and being able to grow as a couple at the same time you are growing as individuals. The Boyfriend and I had a talk about whether we had these things, as we have had quite a rocky year relationship-wise. We don't really fight or have the problems that I've encountered with previous beaus (thank goodness), but I think the short break we took in May-June really shook us up, on my end anyway. I'm also not sure if we're quite changing with the relationship as well as we could either. We're not breaking up or anything, but I think it was good to have a discussion about how we want to shape our future together and how we can do this.

I know things change with time, but I feel like I really miss the type of repertoire we used to have together. Things feel different now, and when I stop to think about everything, I know that a lot of things that I really liked and appreciated about our relationship aren't necessarily as prominent in my mind as they used to be. Eh. Time will tell, I suppose.

We have a dinner tonight to celebrate the birthday of one of my best friends. I actually went out and found a birthday present (and wrapping paper!) in time to give a gift at an actually party. Usually I'm a couple of months behind on the presents. I'm so proud of myself.

We're going to Assagio's at Ala Moana tonight, which is one of my least favorite restaurants to go to. I can't believe that Assagio's wins any awards with kind of service they have. I've been told that the location in Hawaii Kai is the best one to go to, but I've yet to experience it. I know that almost every time I've dared to venture to the Ala Moana location, however, I've gotten terrible service that ranged from just being very slow (even with a small party) to downright rude. I've tried the Kailua location, and while service is much friendlier, they're pretty casual. Last time we went a little later in the evening, we had staff members having their employee meals next to us and messing around, which I didn't especially appreciate--especially when our server was one of the people grabbing a bite at the same time we were eating. I also remember timing them once to see how long it would take them to pick up a spoon off the ground that a busser dropped; it was a while.

I know I'm a little picky about service, especially after working at The Restaurant, but I'm understanding about it from working in a service industry, as well. Assagio's just doesn't impress me all the much. Paesano, which is pretty much the same thing, gives better quality of food and much better atmosphere and service for my dollar. That's just me though. Once I get really bad service at a place, it really turns me off.

Okay, time for present wrapping.

i KNOW

2008-09-13T04:16:00.000-10:00

I know I sound like I'm 13 years old, but:

BOYS ARE SO DUMB.

real post

2008-09-08T22:53:00.004-10:00

Been busy; like it. I guess.

I actually took a short day from the Day Job (what I have decided to call the restaurant that I work at during the day) so that I could keep under 40 hours and not sit around uselessly. With the extra hour or two I had, I planned on going to the bank, exercising, and tidying up my room. However, I just went to the bank and then watched TV with the dog for most of the afternoon. The dog was being weird and I'm not sure why. She was pretty lethargic for most of the day and wouldn't even play ball or anything. It wasn't particularly hot or anything so I'm at a loss. I just kept a close eye on her in case it was because she ate something weird (the last time she was unresponsive was after eating--and spitting out and eating and spitting out--a cotton ball I had used to take my nail polish off. There wasn't any dry heaving this time though so I guess she was just being a lazy ass.

I've been drinking a lot lately, which is no good for the weight or in general. For the past two weekends I've gotten totally trashed on Friday and Saturday nights. This is kind of out of nowhere, too, because I haven't done that kind of drinking in a long time. I think I'm going to try to have a completely dry couple of months after the wedding I'm attending this weekend. Drinking heavily just makes me over-emotional and hyper-sensitive, and I do a lot of fight-picking and not remembering things. No good.

I'm really excited about attending the wedding this Sunday! I still need a pair of shoes to go with the dress I'm planning to wear though. Not sure when I'm going to have time to do that except for Saturday in between my short stop-in at the Day Job and mani-pedis with a friend in preparation for the wedding festivities. I really think it might be easier to find another dress to wear. The one I have now is one that I picked up in NYC this summer because it was marked down and the salesgirl was hard-selling it. Eh. What I really need is a pair of white sandals with a heel and thin straps or something. I think. There are, like, no white sandals available at all right now though. That is what I learned after my trip to the mall tonight.

i love iGoogle

2008-09-05T10:22:00.001-10:00

Just like the title says.

Since I don't have a fancy smancy phone (yet, anyway), I've found that iGoogle has a gajillion items that it can add for easy access to Gmail, Blogger, Twitter, Dictionary.com (I'm a poor excuse for an English major when it comes to spelling), and most of the other things I use daily.

I wish I were as smart as those people at Google

wtf

2008-09-02T17:08:00.002-10:00

My mother bleaches everything and it drives me crazy. It's not even really funny; although many people have enjoyed the "my mom bleaches everything" rant. She seriously does though. And it is not fun. I don't even know why she does it. Some things are clearly colored, and will clearly be ruined if it comes in contact with bleach--yet somehow all my stuff gets ruined. Yellow is a big favorite of hers to bleach. It's a color, dammit! It's especially irritating when she bleaches things like my black underwear--black!!!!!! I just saw that she bleached my white and brown striped tube top. So now it's a white and sort-of-yellow-ish striped tube top. BLEH.

beach

2008-09-01T13:40:00.003-10:00

Today The Boyfriend and I went to (GASP) the beach. Now I know I live in Hawaii and blah, blah blah ... but I really don't like the beach. I'm not big on outdoor activities in the sun, I can't swim and I don't like sand (not to mention large crowds of people). So I really haven't even been to the beach since The Boyfriend and I went to Maui for Spring Break, like, two years ago.

Anyway, we went out to Lanikai for about an hour today and swam around for a while. It was this area of the beach where there wasn't really a lot of actual beach to lounge on and it was really windy so I was over it pretty quickly.

I think we're actually going to eat now.

I had a pretty rough weekend with a lot drinking and a lot of recovering from drinking. More on that later, I suppose.

random morning thoughts

2008-08-27T07:34:00.003-10:00

I'm always in a constant state of "rush the fuck out of the house" every morning. By this, I mean every morning since I can remember. I am not good at time management--look, I'm blogging!

My make-up is not working out this morning. Which sucks.

I'm a bit worried that today will be hectic and frazzling at both jobs. The Restaurant should be relatively slow by now though.

My mom makes me coffee every morning (or she makes more since she drinks it every morning). I find it odd that she fills hers full of cream and sugar, but it's actually strong coffee. She should just make it weaker. I don't know.

Okay. Gotta go.