Maybe this is growing up. Filling your days, filling your heart, filling your mind and your time with work and studying and anything not him. Is that how to be okay? Replacing him with everything except another person? Is that how you love someone from afar?

You are better than this. You are stronger than this. You will find what you're looking for and be okay. You will make the right decision because you will make the decision right for you. There is no "I don't know" and there certainly isn't any way of getting out of being indecisive. You can do this. You know what is good for you, you know the situation and yourself the best. You need to believe in yourself. You need to trust in your sense of self. You didn't do anything wrong, just what you had to. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to and there's nothing you can do about them. Sometimes you're just wrong about things and that's okay. You need to keep moving forward. You can't sit at home, you can't sulk, you can't put your entire life on hold when something is going wrong. If it's worth it to you, then there is no question about what you should do. Consider your options, consider the consequences. It's not the end of the world - not even the end of just your world. Things will get better. You know that's not right. It's okay to want things, it's okay not to like things, it's okay to be upset. You can do this. Trust what you know, trust what you know to be real.

That's what they say to me and I listen because that's what I would say to them. It's even what I say to myself.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. (Erica Jong)

One of my favorite quotes.

Don't do anything you can't live with afterwards. That's what I live by, that's how I make sense of the chaos of my thoughts, that's how I mold my actions. And I could never live myself if I quit. Never could, never will. I'm not a quitter at anything - my own personal bane that I couldn't be me without, eh?

I always stay for the grand finale and I'll sit through my intermissions.

If you need me, I'll be here on my couch, labtop nestled snugly on my thighs and ice cream not far from reach. This is where I'll be and that's just that.

Today should have been spectacular.